Shame

What It Is and How To Move Through It

Shame is one of the most powerful emotions we experience - and one of the quietest. Many people carry shame without even realising it, and over time it can begin to shape how they see themselves and their lives.

At Moco Coaching, we often work with clients who are carrying shame around mistakes, relationships, work, parenting or past experiences.

The important first step is understanding what shame actually is.

Shame is different from guilt. Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “I am something wrong.” Guilt focuses on behaviour. Shame attacks identity. Guilt can motivate growth and repair. Shame often leads to withdrawal, self-criticism or hiding.

Shame sticks around for many reasons. It can begin in childhood through criticism, comparison or emotional experiences that made someone feel rejected or “not enough.” It is also reinforced by cultural expectations that link worth to achievement, appearance, success or productivity. Social media can make this worse through constant comparison with others’ highlight reels.

When shame becomes internalised, it can quietly shape beliefs like:
“I always mess things up.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m not like everyone else.”

Over time, those thoughts can start to feel like facts - even when they are simply stories created from past experiences.

Shame often shows up physically too.

People describe it as a sinking feeling in the stomach, heat in the face, tightness in the chest or an urge to disappear or shut down. Behaviourally, it can look like people-pleasing, over-apologising, perfectionism, avoidance or becoming overly defensive.

The key to overcoming shame is awareness.

Start by naming it without judging yourself. Instead of pushing it away, try saying, “I’m noticing shame coming up right now.” This creates distance between you and the emotion. You are experiencing shame - you are not shame itself.

Next, challenge the story behind it. Ask yourself: Is this fact or interpretation? Would I speak to someone I care about in this way? Often shame relies on assumptions that go unexamined.

It also helps to speak about shame safely with someone you trust. Shame grows in secrecy but reduces when shared with empathy. Connection and understanding are powerful tools for healing.

Another important step is separating behaviour from identity. Making a mistake does not define who you are. A failure does not label your worth. You can acknowledge actions that need change without attaching them to your identity.

Because shame is stored in the body as well as the mind, regulation matters too. Simple practices like deep breathing, gentle movement, time outdoors or grounding exercises can help calm the nervous system and reduce the intensity of shame responses.

At Moco Coaching, we see shame not as something to eliminate through force - but something to understand and work through with compassion. Often, shame points to deeper values, fears or desires for belonging. When explored safely, it can actually become a catalyst for growth.

You are allowed to make mistakes without becoming defined by them. You are allowed to grow without carrying old narratives forward.

Shame may visit - but it does not get to decide your identity.

Growth begins when awareness replaces avoidance and compassion replaces criticism.